Spectrum.

     In the spectrum of past, present, and future, I myself am currently caught in all three. As silly as that may sound, it is possible. I reflect on my past, I try to live in the now, and I try to look toward my future with hope. Doing this is one of the hardest battles I’ve ever fought – one that I often find myself losing – but I’m still up for the fight.

            

     My past is one of the driving forces that pushed me to exactly where I am right now. I have endured a lot in my sixteen years. I have felt so much pain and sadness, certainly more than my fair share, and I have learned to let go. I went through a time when I felt so much, I blocked everything out. I became numb. But this was a mistake – not letting myself feel was a bad decision and I lost so much time because of it. But, now I can look back on my past and reflect on it.

     Yes, I see it for what it was – a time of great stress and pain and hurt and so many different emotions. Yes, at times I am a bit obsessed with it, but honestly, who isn’t? It’s a little hard not to be when the memories play through your mind on a loop, constantly there so you can never forget. But forgetting is not what I’m supposed to do. I’m supposed to keep moving forward. Those images are there to push me. 

     They say that you can either run from your past or you can learn from it. I spent the last four years running from mine. Not too long ago I tried to permanently escape from it. I was going in the wrong direction – my past is not there to forever remind me of the mistakes I have made. It is a guiding tool. It shows me where I have been, where I’ve gone wrong, and where I should go. I see now that I need to let go, break all of the chains, and just move on.

     Speaking of the present, that’s my current battle. I am fighting for my present, as cliché as that sounds. You would think that just living “in the now” would be simple enough. After all, you just survive the days, right? Wrong. So wrong. It’s a constant fight. Every single day I am fighting my demons, the demons that keep trying to drag me back down just when I think things are getting better. Sometimes they’re winning, but I am stubborn and I won’t quit fighting. What happened in my present to give me hope?

     It’s simple. I made a friend, a real one, for the first time in my life. Before, I was this broken shell of a person. Before, I didn’t have hope and I didn’t really care for trying at anything. But now, I have a best friend. I have someone who tries to make me see that there is goodness in me and there is hope and that I haven’t entirely failed at life yet. She pushes me to be a better version of myself. She makes me want to be someone she would be proud of. She is one of the reasons I keep fighting. For the first time ever, I have someone to try for and someone to run to when things fall apart. Friendship makes it all worth it. I have a reason to fight now and I’m not giving up any time soon.

     After I made that friend, others came as well. I’ve become friends with some amazing people and they make my present worth it. It’s all worth it now – the emotions I have to battle, the darkness trying to drag me down, forcing myself to be happy – and I wouldn’t have it any other way. They are here with me now. I am not as alone as I feel. I fight now, because of them, because they are here to help me fight.

     

     Now all that’s left to talk about is the future. It is the one thing that scares me the most. Honestly, it’s a terrifying thing, the unknown. There is no way to know what will happen. Where will I go? Who will I become? Will I be happy? Will I be able to stand on my own two feet? These questions constantly run through my mind like a broken record, scaring me to the point of fear induced anxiety attacks. But now, I am learning. The future is not something to fear. How can I possibly fear something I don’t yet know? It’s irrational.

     Instead of fearing my future and the unknown, I now try to embrace it. The fact that I will never be able to control every single aspect of my life is finally sinking into my mind after all this time. There is no need to be afraid – things should fall into place eventually, exactly the way they’re supposed to. Who knows where I’ll go, or who I’m going to be, or how my life is going to play out. That’s the adventure. That’s part of living and I’m trying not to be afraid of it anymore. If I don’t let life happen to me, I’m not really living. No more being scared. I’ve decided to just let life happen. I have hope now, because of my friends and the happiness they have brought to me. They’ve shown me that even though the world is a horrible place sometimes, there is so much beauty in it. I just have to stick it out long enough to see it. My future will be better than both my past and my present.

     In all honesty my past and present have shaped me into the person I am and will continue to mold me into the person I’ll eventually become. It all works together; bad things happen so good things can eventually come, and good things come to an end for better things to come along. I just have to make it through the bad times. I now have hope that things are going to get better. I just have to be here to see it.