Empathy and Failure.

           One of the most amazing definitions of the word “imagination” comes from J.K. Rowling: Imagination is not only the uniquely human capacity to envision that which is not, and therefore the fount of all invention and innovation. In its arguably most transformative and revelatory capacity, imagination is the power that enables us to empathize with humans whose experiences we have never shared. Though I fully understand where J.K. is coming from with her definition of imagination, I myself am not very imaginative at all. I suppose this stems from past events in my life that have left me trapped in narrow spaces. It could also be from the fact that I do not empathize with many people outside of my group of friends. Either way, I don’t have a complete grasp on the weight and meaning of her words. To understand why, I had to go on a journey of self-discovery and was amazed at some of the things I realized about myself. 

            First of all, my life has never been great or wonderful or any other happy adjective. My life has been full of tragic events that in turn have made me a much more closed off person. Before I met my best friend, I always felt completely and utterly alone. I felt trapped in this confusing world with nowhere to go and nothing to do – everything felt like it was out of control. Life was happening around me and I was frozen in a daze, filled with nothing but intense anger and pain. There was never anyone around that could empathize with me and put themselves into my situation. I never had that. Sure, I had friends, but nobody ever really came to me and wanted to help me and feel with me. Since then, I was never the same. I refused to open up to people after that and learned to lock my feelings away deep inside of myself. Nobody came to me and I was most certainly not going to go to them. Perhaps this is what started my downfall into failure. 

            Several years later I met my best friend, McKayla. In the years before I met her, I continued to keep myself isolated from others and only opened up to a very select few people. If nobody wanted to help me and be there for me, I didn’t want to be there for anyone else. It was only fair, wasn’t it? People can’t expect someone to give to them when they don’t put any effort forth from the start. It’s simply not logical. Fast forward to my sophomore year of high school, the year I met McKayla. 

            I spent the beginning of that year alone, except for a few friends I had managed to make at Gilbert before the consolidation. McKayla was the one that spoke to me first, and the conversation we had was ultimately what sparked our friendship and helped to build it. After that, she became my best friend. Ever since that day she has been there for me through everything I have had to deal with; the good things, the bad, the sadness, the happiness, she’s been there with me through almost all of it. Actually having someone in your life that empathizes with you and feels what you feel is one of the most incredible feelings in the world. It takes such an incredible amount of weight of off a person’s shoulders to have someone they can share their feelings with without having to worry about being judged. McKayla is this person for me; I can always count on her to empathize with me and share in my situations, and I can experience what she goes through as well. 

            Now for the most important question – how empathetic am I? Honestly, how empathetic I am depends on the person I’m trying to empathize with. I’m part of a small group of friends who I can empathize with very well, and they can do the same with me. I usually don’t go outside of this group unless there is someone else that I really care about, but that’s a very small number of people. Like I said, I am a very closed off and isolated individual, though I’ve been told that I’m simply complex. The fact that I don’t often venture outside of my group shows that I am trapped in narrow spaces, as J.K. Rowling would say. 

            “Choosing to live in narrow spaces leads to a form of mental agoraphobia, and that brings its own terrors. I think the willfully unimaginative see more monsters. They are often more afraid.” This is one of the most brutally honest things that J.K. Rowling says in her commencement speech. This quote applies to me personally. By choosing to keep myself locked away from others and my feelings buried deep inside, I have trapped myself in these narrow spaces. Narrow spaces are not a healthy place to be; being trapped in these spaces allows the monsters and terrors to overtake us. I am experiencing this currently, though I can’t blame it on anyone else but myself. 

            Being trapped in these narrow spaces, as unhealthy as I may think it to be, is actually both a good and bad thing. You see, there is a spectrum when it comes to empathy. There are those who look at their own problems and see them as being so bad that they couldn’t possibly handle having to feel someone else’s pain and emotions on top of theirs. Then there are those who see their problems as being so bad that they wouldn’t allow themselves to spread that kind of pain to other people. I am somewhere in the middle of this spectrum. I don’t mind empathizing with others, but I hate the thought of spreading my pain to others who, in my opinion, do not deserve to feel this kind of pain. I would never wish it upon anyone. 

            The bad side of being trapped in these narrow spaces is pretty obvious. I have trapped myself in this one group, in this one place. Seldom do I venture out of my group and give or receive empathy. Though I do have people to empathize with now, I am limited in the number of people. This is my own fault; by isolating myself, I trapped myself. There is no one to blame but myself. I know that the responsibility of empathizing with others should be shared, but it is impossible to share with someone who has their feelings and emotions locked away completely. 

            The fact that I have trapped myself in these narrow spaces is one of the biggest failures of my life. I’ve kept my emotions trapped inside for so long that I have trouble letting them out and properly empathizing, which is yet another failure. I know that it is impossible to live without failing at something, but failure to me is unacceptable. I suppose that’s another thing I need to work on – learning to accept failure. Maybe once I learn to do that, I can learn to open myself up and let others feel what I feel.